Mom vs. the Crib

There is no denying that having a child, whether by birth or other means, creates such a surge of love in you that it feels like it's gushing out your eyeballs.  There are days that I wonder if Karter's cheeks are a rosy pink because I have kissed them raw (have you seen his cheeks...how could you not kiss them??!!)  I love him so much and would do anything to bring him only joy and happiness in life.

So the last two nights, Mark and I decided that Karter should move into his crib in his own room to see if that will help him sleep better.  Now I have to say, I was totally against this.  I would have been perfectly content to have him sleep next to me in his co sleeper for the next 5 years. I hate to be apart from him, even if we are both sleeping.  But...after a few nights of Karter screaming and fighting sleep, I decided it was best to try it.  Unfortunately Fortunately, it's working. My baby boy is growing up, becoming independent, and not needing me as much anymore.

Last night, as I went in to soothe him when he was crying, I just looked at him, so tiny in that big crib, and just wanted to crawl in there with him and wrap my arms around him and protect him from everything bad in this world.  It breaks my heart that as he grows, he is one step closer to being on his own facing the world.  I never want him to experience heartache, be subjected to bad people, or to feel less than the amazing boy he is.  I'm finding, even at 3 months, that it's hard to let your children grow and go. 

I know it's just a crib, but I feel like it's the first major step in Karter becoming his own person, and I selfishly want him to want to stay cuddled in my arms forever...or at least the next couple years.  There's a good chance that I am suffering from more separation anxiety than Karter!  I know it's healthy for his development to learn independence and self sufficiency...but there's a good chance that when I'm finished writing this post, I'm going to go check the weight limit for his crib.  Just in case. 

So frightening

Maybe it's just me and my watched-too-many-48-hours-mystery self, but sometimes Karter freaks me out.  It usually happens when I am changing his diaper.  We'll be "talking" and he'll be smiling and then all of a sudden he looks beyond me and fixes his eyes on something...and I'm usually 99% sure it is a killer.  I mean, he gets this serious look on his face like he is looking at something, or someone, and it makes my blood pressure shoot through the roof.  I turn around slowly and am always surprised when there is no one there.  I don't know what makes him do this, and I wish I could make it stop.  Until then, I suppose I am just going to carry a knife around with me on the off chance that Karter does spot a killer before I do.


Does anyone else have a baby that does this??

So much to be thankful for

As I reflect back upon the last year, I realize just how blessed I really am.  Last year at this time, I was wondering if I would ever have my own baby to spend the holidays with.  Little did I know, that a little baby was either created or growing while I ate my turkey (ok, so he probably wasn't actually created while I was in the process of eating my turkey.)  I feel so blessed to get to be the mother of Karter and that God entrusted such a beautiful and sweet bundle of joy to me.  I know I was blessed before Karter came into the picture, and that feeling blessed isn't just based upon receiving what you want, but I can't help but feel extra thankful this year.  From start to finish, he has been a little miracle. 

So Happy Thanksgiving to all and for all those who are in the position I was in last year this year, I hope and pray that next year you will have a little turkey (baby) to spend the holidays with!

Our Special Connection

It's official, well it was official like 6 weeks ago, Karter is a momma's boy.  There's no denying it, as much as Mark might like to!  Karter seems to have decided that the only person he is really going to like in life is me, which is an honor and a curse all at the same time.

In his first few weeks of life, Karter seemed to be crazy about his dad and other family members, but it seems that things have taken a turn for the worse. Now, Karter screams at the top of his little pterodactyl lungs every time someone else tries to hold him.  This case of the "mommy's" may be due to the fact that he spends the majority of his waking hours (which is about 20 hrs a day) with me. 

At first, I was touched that he liked me so much.  I mean it was kind of rewarding to know that I was the only one who could console my little man.  But now, I just wish I could make him like someone other than me.  The muscles in my arms are bulging now due to having to hold him all the time, which I guess is fine as I never liked lifting weights anyway.  So how do I do get him to like anyone else but me? 

I guess I should take advantage of this time that he wants to be with only me...because chances are in a few months or years he will probably want nothing to do with me and just want to be with his dad.  Let's just hope he outgrows being a momma's boy by the time he is 18...

Am I the only one?

Seriously, sometimes I feel like I am the only mom with a difficult baby.  Maybe people just don't like to talk about it, but am I the only person with a baby who isn't crazy about sleep, wants to be held all the time, and cries for anyone but mom?  If I'm not the only person, then why don't other moms share their struggles?  I'm not trying to complain all the time, it's just that I am desperate for ideas from other moms on how to make my little man happy.

I don't want you to think that I am a bad mom or that I love Karter any less for this.  I know we are so blessed to have such a healthy baby.   I love him more each day and I am continually amazed at the amount of unconditional love I have for him...but there's no denying he's a tricky little baby.

While I wouldn't trade my baby for anything in the world (no, not even a good night's sleep), I do get jealous of people with seemingly perfect babies...those that sleep through the night, don't fuss, etc.  I feel like it makes me seem like a bad mom because my baby isn't happy in comparison to these other babies.  And believe me, I have tried to make him happy, but things only seem to make him happy for a short period of time.  Something that works one day he hates the next even though I keep trying.

I called the lactation consultant the other day for some advice and she spent 35 minutes giving me ideas on how to make him better and it was just frustrating after each idea to say "we've tried that, it doesn't work."  I felt by the end of the conversation she was just making up ideas to try because she wanted to give me some sort of helpful hint (ie "maybe have your husband not wear deodorant, maybe Karter doesn't like the smell"....umm, no, then I might not like my husband!)

There's that saying that "God won't give you any more than you can handle" and I find myself several times a week at night going "Ok, God, I can't handle anymore."  Apparently, God thinks I can handle more because it doesn't seem to be getting easier.  As we were up for an hour and a half last night at 3:30am and I was asking Mark why he thought we were having such a hard time, Mark wisely told me that perhaps God is teaching us patience or that our marriage is being strengthened because if we can get through this then we can get through anything.  While that seems wise and sweet now, at 3:30am it didn't seem like a very good reason to me. 

Oh well, I mean, I guess there's a chance Karter is getting all his difficultness out now and will be a perfect toddler while those other babies are terrors in their terrible two's.  Let's hope.

Where would we be without facebook?

Even though my husband despises facebook and refuses to join (I, too, almost felt this way after seeing "The Social Network"), it has become an invaluable resource to me as a first time mom.  I guess mom's managed before such social networking sites, but I don't know how.  It's so nice to have a place where I can post a problem I am having and other moms who have been through the same thing can provide me feedback and solutions to my problems.  I mean, I never would have taken Karter to the chiropractor if it weren't for all the comments I received on facebook.  Who knows where we would be without that advice-definitely not with a baby who is only getting up once at night!  It's so nice to have a platform where mom's can share their knowledge with us newbies!  So moms of the facebook world, keep your input coming as I post struggles along the way...I certainly appreciate it!

Expectations

I don't know if you can ever go into motherhood with the correct expectations of what it is going to be like (I even read "What to Expect When You're Expecting!).  That may be one of the hardest parts of being a new mom.  Whatever you thought it was going to be like, it's not.  I mean, obviously you know you are going to fall in love with your baby, but you just can't understand how much and how quickly you are going to fall in love until you are holding that baby in your arms for the first time. 

I thought I went into motherhood with pretty realistic expectations.  I knew I would be up to my ears in poopy diapers and that sleep wouldn't be as good as it was before, but I guess I didn't fully understand what it's like to be a mom.  This would probably explain why I had Mark buy me a book of People magazine crossword puzzles so that I would have something to do during my "down" time while off on maternity leave.   Needless to say, I haven't opened that book since Karter got here.  "Down" time seems to be a thing of the past. 

The thing I have learned so far is that I need to be flexible and be ok with the fact that my expectations weren't correct.  I love Karter so much and will learn from him what to expect being a mom.  Hopefully, the second baby will be easier now that we've gone through this once!