Anyone else leave childbirth class feeling petrified and wishing the stork really did deliver babies? I felt like childbirth class should be taken before you get pregnant so you know what you're getting into. And what did I gain from it (besides $100 missing from our account?) Nothing. Mark and I didn't find ourselves in the operating room going "hey, remember what we learned about c-sections?" Instead, I found myself saying "am I dying?"
So I decided that after being a mom for the last 6 months, perhaps the curriculum could be revised to include the following items:
-You might as well bathe your baby in spaghetti sauce and you'll achieve the same amount of clean. Karter pees multiple times per bath. If I were to drain the water each time we'd be in there forever. So what if his hair smells a little like Johnson & Johnsons and a little like baby pee? (I promise it really doesn't.) The way I see it, he's just preparing for getting stung by a jellyfish in the ocean.
-Bulb syringing your child's nose will be the worst thing you ever do. Ever. What makes it even worse is when your child is stronger than you and has learned to roll away from you. Seriously, I'm like a human pretzel getting in position to suck out his snot. It's terrible...for him and I!
-You know those people you made fun of for posting constant status updates and pictures of their babies? Yeah, you'll be one of them. Believe me, pre-baby I threw up a little in my mouth every time I read a "Susie just rolled over" status and now it's like word vomit pouring out from my keyboard. I can't help it that I gave birth to the cutest thing ever and feel the need to publicly share every detail of his life.
-Find a doctor who doesn't mind you calling them each week. I'm surprised that my ob/gyn didn't send out a mass memo to all the pediatricians in the are warning them that I call...a lot. Luckily, I found a doctor that we like, but fear they may start blocking my number. As a first time mom, perhaps I'm a little paranoid, but better safe than sorry, right??
-Learn how to type one handed. You might be amazed to know that I wrote this entire post with my right hand while Karter slept in my left.
So there you have it. If you are expecting a baby and you've read this, you really don't need to go to that awful class. Because really, do you want to see someone else giving birth over a tv screen?
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