Monday, August 29, 2011

My post baby body

So I loved getting my belly while pregnant.  It was something I had lusted after while Mark and I tried to get pregnant.  It was a sign that "we did it!  We actually made a baby!"  It became less appealing when the stretch marks started to appear and a little less when my belly button disappeared (I'm happy to report that my belly button is now back and intact.)

Now I find myself 2 weeks after having Karter and I couldn't love my body more.  I am happy to report after gaining 30 pounds during my pregnancy I am now within 8 pounds of my pre-Karter weight (that's for all of those who felt it was necessary to tell me how large I was during my pregnancy.)  I am no where near what I looked like before I got pregnant, but I am really ok with that.  My stomach is still flabby, I have a c-section incision scar, and the stretch marks are still there and prominent, but that's what makes my body beautiful now.  The thing is, is that flabby stomach is proof that I carried a baby in there for 40 weeks; that scar is a reminder of how blessed we are that there was a way to get Karter safely into this world; and those stretch marks, well, I really have nothing good to say about them:)  I won't be getting into a two piece anytime soon, but I have a healthy baby boy and my husband still thinks I'm hot, so really, what more could I need?

Friday, August 26, 2011

My racing mind just won't stop

I remember when my biggest worry going to bed at night was where Mark and I would go out to eat that weekend.  After five minutes of contemplating that, I could usually fall asleep pretty easily (when I wasn't thinking about giving birth or epidurals!)  Now that Karter is here, it's a whole different story.  It's like as soon as he was pushed out of the womb pulled out of the womb, my mind was filled with a million different thoughts.  I've had help all week with Karter so that I could catch up on some needed sleep, but as soon as my head hits the pillow, the last thing on my mind is sleep.  I'm pretty jealous of Mark, who falls asleep as his head is making the descent into his pillow (must be nice being a male!) Here's just a few examples of the absurd thoughts/worries that keep me from sleeping:

1.  Where will Karter live when he gets older?  Will he live far away?  Will he care if I move to be close to him?
2.  When should I enroll him in swimming lessons?  Should we get a family pass to the pool?
3.  Is he going to be bullied in school?
4.  Will he feel abandoned when I go back to work?  How will I be able to leave him throughout the day?
5.  Have I earned his trust as a parent?  Am I responding correctly to his needs?

I know, as I lay there that these are ridiculous thoughts and that many of these things I have no control over.  I think Karter's entry into this world was another gentle reminder that I am not in charge but God is...but that still doesn't help relieve my mind of these thoughts.  Oh well, I guess this is motherhood...who needs sleep anyway!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The Baby Blues

I don't know if I would consider myself going through the baby blues... maybe the baby cerulean (it's my favorite shade of blue.)  I love my little man and I look at his precious face and think "life doesn't get any better than this", but then I still find myself crying at the most random of things.  I cry because I love my husband so much, I cry because I want Mark to get sleep at night, I cry because my mom has helped me out so much, etc.  So it's not that I am sad and I am crying, I am just overly emotional. 

Luckily, Mark has been super understanding.  When I cry to him for no apparent reason, he reassures me that I have been through a lot and it is normal for me to be emotional.  The thing is, prior to having Karter, I just wasn't a crier.  The last time I really teared up was probably watching the ending of "The Notebook."  Mark promises me that he doesn't think I am crazy...yet anyway.

I just hope that one day my emotions start to level out.  I know it's only been a week and a half and I should cut myself some slack, but I'm going through the Kleenex pretty quickly over here.  Oh well, I guess I will know it's over when I can watch a Hallmark commercial and not cry...

Monday, August 22, 2011

What's in a name?

So our adorable baby boy made his entrance into the world last Sunday...and I have a feeling life will never be the same!  It is amazing how much love you can have for someone you met only a week ago.  I want to remember this time as I start out on the journey of motherhood so I thought, there's no better way than to blog about it!

I think it's important to share Karter's birth story, as it was not anything I had planned at all (I hear it never is, though).  As many of you know, Mark and I had struggled getting pregnant, which made it all the more of a blessing to us when we finally got a "positive" pregnancy test result.  We had gone back and forth for awhile trying to decide what we wanted to name our baby boy.  Finally we were able to agree on the name "Karter Josiah."

I liked the name Josiah from the very beginning because it means "God will help" and I thought that was so true considering the circumstances around me getting pregnant.  Little did I know how much God would end up helping us and how appropriate Karter's middle name is.

After a few false alarm trips to labor and delivery (I may have been a little too eager to have Karter!) and one that day, Mark and I were relaxing last Sunday night getting ready to go to bed.  As I was sitting on the couch I felt a "gush" of something, which is how I had heard many people describe as their water breaking.  I ran to the bathroom thinking "could it finally be time??"  only to find every pregnant woman's worst nightmare-blood...and lots of it.  I was bleeding and it wouldn't stop.  I don't think I had seen so much blood in my life (sorry for the graphic image, but I promise, it's important to the story!)  I immediately started freaking out and Mark and I gathered everything up and headed to the hospital.

The ride there was torturous.  All I could think of was "how could I make it two days until my due date and lose my baby now??"  I mean, how often to do you hear of pregnancy+lots of blood ever equaling something good.  I kept prodding my stomach trying to make Karter move so I could have some reassurance that he was alright.  I finally got a little kick, but I was still scared out of my mind.  I thought of having to return home and see the swing in the living room, the crib in the nursery, the cradle in our bedroom and not having a baby to enjoy those things. 

After what seemed like forever, we made it to the hospital, where I was by now shaking out of fear.  They hooked me up to the monitor and I was so relieved to hear his heart beating and it was a normal heart rate.  The poor nurse who was checking us in had to deal with my 20 different variations of the question "Is my baby ok, am I going to be ok?"  The nurse contacted my doctor and my doctor decided I needed to have an emergency c-section.  Within minutes the anesthesiologist was in my room getting me ready for an epidural.

The funny thing is, I had spent many a night not being able to fall asleep thinking about the labor process and how terrified I was of an epidural. Now there I was, finding myself with no time to freak out about the epidural or the fact that I was having a c-section, which I never imagined having.

Amazingly enough, and definitely a God thing, everyone that needed to be at the hospital for my c-section was available.  My doctor had decided to work late so he was there and ready to go.  Fast forward through all the gory parts, and I found myself checking into the hospital at 9:30pm and a mother to a beautiful, healthy baby boy at 10:31pm. 

It turns out my placenta was partially abrupting from my uterus, which is not a good thing at all.  I was told that if I hadn't made it to the hospital when I did, then Karter probably wouldn't be here.  When the nurses who were taking care of us at the hospital would hear about why I had to have a c-section, I was told many times how lucky we were. 

Looking back on that day, I see God's hand in Karter's arrival in so many ways.  First of all, at church that morning, the sermon was on prayer and we were asked to write on a post it note our prayer requests.  I have thought what could have happened if both Mark and I hadn't written "baby" and "birth" on our notes.  There was also the fact that Mark had asked if I wanted to go to bed an hour before I noticed the bleeding.  Had I said yes, I may not have noticed the bleeding in enough time to get to the hospital.  It was also amazing that all of the staff that were needed were there in order to perform my c-section. 

So looking back on the whole experience, I would say that Josiah was a fitting middle name for Karter.  Every time I look at his precious little face, I am reminded of all the ways that God has been faithful and helped us in this situation.  Now if only I could get God to help with this sleeping situation...