Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Cheating Mother

I have always wanted a large family.  I've dreamt about having four kids all my life.  Then along came Karter.  While those first few weeks of no sleep caused Mark and I to second guess having any more kids AT ALL, that was just a fleeting feeling.  Now, I am worried about having more children for another reason-I will be cheating on my first born.

I mean, doesn't it feel like that?  Here is my sweet little Karter, getting all the attention from a momma and dad who are crazy about him.  How will he feel when he is only getting 2,500 kisses a day instead of 5,000?  There's not really a way to sneak behind his back to have another baby, or else I might consider it.  Karter's feelings are so fragile (he frowns when I sneeze) that I wonder how he will react when he sees me rubbing my belly because there's another sweet baby in there (hopefully, one that sleeps:) or when he sees me holding another baby. 

Plus, how will I be able to love another child as much as I love Karter?  All you moms out there, you can be honest, isn't your firstborn kind of your favorite?  Can you tell I am also a firstborn? Karter was the first baby heartbeat I heard on the ultra sound machine, he was the first baby I nursed, the reason for the first scar on my abdomen. They say that your heart grows to make room for that other child, but I'm just not so sure there is room in my chest for my heart to double in size. Karter and I will always have this special bond, like an inside joke just between the two of us.  When I look at him I will always remember the time we had before other babies...the time it was just a family of three.

I am sure my fears will be eased once I see baby Sasquatch #2 on the ultra sound monitor (no, there is not one in my belly), but this is what I will worry about until then.  I mean, I've stopped worrying about Karter getting his driver's license, so a girl's gotta worry about something:)

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